Super Mouse【我的翻译未经原作者同意，本人只是觉得他的语言风格好玩，有助于国人理解典型的老美是如何看中国的。如果有任何不妥，请直接向美国司法部举报我。】
Of Course I Bribed Chinese Officials
我当然行贿中国官员了
作者：Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company
翻译：安普若
What’s the big freakin’ deal?
多大点鸡巴事儿啊？
Have you ever tried doing anything in China?
你丫真的在中国做过生意？
It’s impossible if you don’t bribe.
不行贿，没戏。
If you don’t bribe, you don’t get in the country. (You suddenly have issues with your visa?)
你要是不意思意思，你去都别想去这个国家。（你的签证立马就出问题了？）
If you don’t bribe, you get a hotel room with a disgusting hole in the floor instead of a western toilet.
你要是不意思意思，给你个酒店房间，地板中间有一个恶心的大洞眼，别想坐西式马桶。
If you don’t bribe, your car breaks down in the middle of some god forsaken scrub land in the hills outside of Beijing. Then you have to sit on the side of the road while your driver laughs at you and then proceeds to sacrifice a chicken and cooks the legs for lunch using his cigarette lighter.
你要是不意思意思，你的车就会坏在北京郊外群山上那一片舅舅不疼姥姥不爱的灌木丛林中。你只能坐路边上让你司机看你的笑话。然后他去抓只鸡，用他的打火机烤鸡腿当午餐吃。
If you don’t bribe, you don’t do business in China.
你要是不意思意思，你就别在中国做生意。
But it really doesn’t take much. It’s not nearly as expensive as the bribes I had to pay to American officials and union bosses.
其实也不需要多少意思。根本就没法和我不得不行贿美国官员和工会工头的意思比。
You would be amazed how much work you can get done in China just by dangling a carton of Camel Turkish Gold cigarettes in front of someone.
在中国，你在人们面前晃荡一条土耳其金骆驼香烟，你会惊讶有多少工作能完成。
Funny story – I was in China a couple of years ago visiting my girlfriend on the set of our movie“Tae Kwon Doug”. When I got to the set, no one was doing anything. The Chinese crew was playing some bizarre game with colored tiles and drinking some white lightning dragon fire pure alcohol.
讲个笑话 – 两年前，我去中国，到我的电影《跆拳道》片场看我女朋友。我到了片场，没人干活。中国剧组在玩一种离奇的彩色小瓷砖，喝白色闪电龙火纯酒精。
I started to ask the American actors what the f**k was going on and I was told the bribe we paid in order to start shooting was in local RMB currency and not in American dollars. Local RMB is like toilet paper to the Chinese. American dollars are preferred.
我开始问美国演员，瞎鸡巴搞什么呢？他们说，你丫为了开机行贿的钱是当地的人民币，不是美元。当地的人民币对中国人来说就是擦屁股纸，人家要美子。
I immediately fired the American producer, pulled out a few $1 bills from my pocket, spread them around – and suddenly, everyone was ready to work.
我当场开了美国制片，从口袋里掏出几张一美元的票子发给大家 – 顿时，每个人都要开始干活了。
As a bonus, I threw in a carton of Camel Turkish Gold and a bottle of American whiskey. We finished shooting the entire movie in three days. It was supposed to be a six week shoot.
再奖励一哈，我又扔给他们一条土耳其金骆驼和一瓶美国威士忌。本来要拍六个星期的片子，三天就完事儿了。
That’s what I call results.
我要的就是结果。
So… memo to the Department of Justice… if you want me to cooperate with your little investigation into our business practices in China, it’s going to cost you a few dollars, a few cigarettes and a whole lot of booze.
所以啊。。。给司法部上个备忘录。。。如果你们要我协助你们的那点小调查，查我在中国怎么做生意，那你可要花点小钱了，几条烟，还有请很多客，大吃大喝狂醉一把。
作者：Khan Manka, Jr. – Chairman & CEO – Manka Bros. Studios – The World’s Largest Media Company
